Shared hobbies? Good sex? Rather incidental to the question of whether two people belong together or not. Couple therapist Eric Hegmann explains what really matters
You get to know each other, fall in love with each other, get closer and swoops: Suddenly you are in a relationship! Usually it just happens. Things are evolving without us asking a great question about whether we really fit together – or whether we might invest our time, love, and energy in a relationship that is ultimately doomed to separation.
However, we usually ask ourselves this as soon as it becomes difficult. As soon as the relationship phases marked by happiness hormones are over and we realize that there are not fair compromises for all conflicts. But how do we find an answer? Is it right to assume that some people do not fit together? Or could everyone theoretically be happy together if they treat each other with respect, communicate with each other, are confident and do everything else great?
We asked couple therapist Eric Hegmann if we can see that the person at our side is the right person for us. And whether it’s worth working on our relationship, or perhaps more sensible to end it. His answer: Yes, and with these six questions.
Couple therapist reveals: How to find out if your partner suits you
1.What has changed?
If you suddenly wonder if your treasure is right for you, something has probably changed – and the crucial question is what. Hegmann: “Are the changes external influences such as a new job, conflicts with family or friends, questions of meaning after the loss of a loved one? Or do you see the changes more in you or in him?” In the case of external changes, you should only further question your relationship if your partner has not adequately supported you (see below). Changes within your partnership should keep you up to the bottom of: What are the causes? How do they affect your feelings? Can/want to live with it? If you’re serious, it’s best to talk about it with your partner!
2. What do you love about him?
It’s important that you understand what really connects you to your partner. “Many people can only love if they feel loved,” explains Hegmann. If you’re only with your partner because he obviously loves you, you may love him less than the feeling of being loved. If you are afraid that you love him more than he loves you, your fear of you makes you doubt. That’s why there’s no way around it: become aware of what you love about your treasure.
3.. Does your partner encourage you in your life?
More specifically, “Do your partner give you praise and recognition? Does he support you? Does he give you gifts? Is your need for intimacy met? And: Is he also your best friend?” If you can answer the therapist’s questions as much as possible with yes, you definitely don’t have the worst person by your side!
4. . Did your partner help you in difficult times?
If you’ve been together for a long time, this question will definitely help you. Hegmann explains: “Care is one of the 5 languages of love. Helpfulness, mutual support and recognition – without constantly weighing up whether the effort is worthwhile and whether you get as much back as you have invested – are non-negotiable to love.” You know (from experience) that your treasure does not help you Stitched? Sounds hard for a good one!
5. Did your partner leave you alone in difficult times?
Did he? Bad sign! Hegmann said: “To feel helpless and lonely in a relationship is horrible. But loneliness is not only painful – it also freezes feelings. It destroys the trust in the partner, if he turns away instead of to the other and prefers to have fun, while one does not know any further, because he does not want to endure the misery. Who needs a relationship that is lost only in fine words and declarations of intent?
6. Has your partner taken you into difficult times?
Sure, in good times as well as in bad times and together by thick and thin. But the therapist points out: “Responsibility is borne by everyone on the one hand for themselves – on the other hand, everyone also bears responsibility for the common relationship. Every decision must be weighed up not only whether it is good for oneself, but also whether it might harm the partnership. Behaviourthat introuble is also often incomplete and waiting. Those who sit out problems instead of tackling them are actually just waiting until things get really bad for everyone. For example, when a partner makes debts on their own, for which both have to be liable. Abuse of alcohol or other substances are also harbingers of major problems. Some people do not want to be helped and cannot be saved – at least not without external help.”
Still not quite sure if your relationship is really right? “Go or Stay?” would be the right one for you?! you can take a look at our community and exchange information with people who may be asking exactly the same questions as you …